|added Wed June 29 2005 at 7:46 PM
|I guess it's my own fault, this feeling. Mom'll be upset, but I haven't been perfect at taking my medicine like a good boy. I guess part of having the need to catch up was that things had been slipping. I've never been very good at keeping my life on a real routine, so when the core of my life is forced into a constant form, a lot of other things slip.
On second thought, I'm just naturally lazy and forgetful. Either way, though, sometimes anything that *can* be put aside, *is*. I'm not sure exactly how many days I missed, or if I even missed consecutive days at all. I also don't know if I can blame it just on the cycling medicine, or if it's also just a part of me. In any case, it's here, and I don't like it.
Even if I could put a real finger on it, it would be almost impossible for me to explain it. The jitters are deeper than just the desire to be moving. If I give in and allow the shuddering to continue for more than a moment, the feeling just gets worse, and I shake even more. Yet brute force holding myself down doesn't help either. I want to get up and run around, but that would take too much focussed energy. I want to just lie down and go to sleep, but then it posesses my entire body in that time between laying down and drifting to sleep.
I want to scream laugh dance cry run collapse cry rage jump skip shake... Really, I just want to do anything to make it go away. Since I want to do everything and nothing at all, I will go to bed and curl up in that fetal position and pretend the world doesn't exist. At least that way, I may get enough rest tonite to be awake during tomorrow's meetings.
Good night, from the frickin messed up mind of JP.