|added Mon October 25 2004 at 10:43 PM
|It's been developing all weekend, but today I just snapped. I couldn't make myself do anything on Saturday or Sunday, and today the steam built up to a full head and turned on me, leaving panic and chaos in its wake. Over the weekend, I failed to perform, but today, I locked up.
Locking up is one of the worst feelings I've ever known. You can ask me later, when this particular episode is long forgotten, and I promise I'll still agree that it rates high on my list of undesirables. Normally, even when I feel lost and confused and overwhelmed, I can at least take baby steps toward getting *something* accomplished. Episodes like today's, however, leave me simply begging for release.
Now, I don't say that meaning that I would in any way hurt myself... I was still a fair ways from that (albeit on that path). Today I only had a single 15 second thought of doing anything to myself. Instead, the thoughts mostly consisted of prayers for release.
One thing I've found is that no matter how much you pray for it, God does not kill you. He just doesn't. I'm sure that everybody reading this is extremely happy this is the case, and probably rather worried that I would know from personal experience.
It was a long (although very unproductive) day, and I fear that the best that I can hope for from tomorrow is that maybe despite all the stresses weighing down on me, I won't resort to hoping for release of death. Somehow, I don't see myself overnight being able to run with all the burdens effortlessly, but perhaps if I manage to take a step forward tomorrow then my burdens will be forgotten, and I'll be able to trudge through each day until the end of the semester. Rationally speaking, I can always retake all my classes, right? Maybe.
To sleep, perchance to dream...