|added Mon May 03 2004 at 3:04 PM
|I made the mistake of allowing photography become something to live for. I'm sure that the main reason why her remarks hurt was because I was already in a bad mood, but it was almost surprising that I couldn't handle the criticism. Any remarks on the pictures, whether they were about quality of camera or quality of picture, cut and hurt. Reading over the discussion afterward, it was obvious that she simply found the camera I was using to be of a lesser grade, but at the time, it felt like she was tearing apart the only thing that I had going for me.
Reflecting on my reaction, I can only conclude that it was because I allowed photography to become something to live for, something to look forward to, something to wake up and seize the day for. It seems that I must not allow any products of my own workmanship to take such a role. If I allow myself to be identified by anything I create, then I will surely begin to notice any flaws in the work and eventually become disillusioned with the product and, in turn, with my own worth.
So what can fill that role of "something to live for"? I tried to allow other people to fill the position, but ended up just feeling used. I attempted to use a developing skill to complete the void, but my own perfectionism seems to grow faster than my capabilities to fulfil my expectations. What, then, can I live for? What can fill my thoughts and hopes and dreams and make me anxious for the new day? What can keep me from laying in bed all day staring at a blank wall? At least before when I lay inactive, I could watch my pictures in a never-ending slideshow, but I fear that now I would see nothing but imperfections and inadequacies.
I need something-- or someone --to live for.