|added Sat April 10 2004 at 9:52 PM
|I say it now and wonder how long I'll actually stick to it. No more flowers, not unless she's officially my girlfriend, or it's socially expected (like for fancy dances). Of course, the second one probably isn't gonna happen again for a long time. I'm sick of playing the stupid games, and I think that includes going to those useless formal dances.
What have they ever done to deserve the flowers, anyway? It's certainly not because they treat me well. In fact, I'm used more often than not. I'm a generous person, always more willing to share than to ask, but it seems the only thing that gets me is heartache and pain. I'm really convenient to drive people around, but only on their schedule. It's really great that I feed people, but do I deliver? Heaven forbid they actually show up and keep me company as a small price for the food. All-in-all, I'm one of those guys that's great to have around, just in case.
It's nothing new, neither my willingness to give nor my being taken advantage of. I used to practically trade away my lunch for friends. I was really cool to have around as long as I had more snacks. I'm really cool to have around when I have time to do someone else a favor.
I decided a while ago that the one thing I want most is to feel useful. That doesn't mean I want to be used, though. Useful is like running water... it's really great to have, and you really want to keep it around. Useful is not taking advantage of my kindness and generosity until I'm lonely and tired and sick of life. Useful is wanting to keep me around because I'm me, not because I have something you want.
Perhaps I should change that. I really just wanna be loved. Personally, in person. I hate phones, I hate talking over email, I'm even sick of talking online. I just wanna be loved enough that somebody gives a d**n when I want to be with them.
So why bother? I can't win for losing, so I might as well at least save me the time, empty hopes, and money involved in caring about others.