|added Sat February 07 2004 at 8:00 PM
|Ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right? Well, lets take it up a notch. How about one of those days where nothing seems to go?
I woke up late. Two and a half hours late, in fact. I missed the first two hours of a three hour shift at work. Luckily, there weren't very many people there for help today, so I didn't fell *too* bad. Breakfast at 12:30 is pretty common for a Saturday these days. That's what happens when you work in the morning and never wake up with enough time to breath, let alone eat, before work.
And I think that was the single biggest accomplishment of my day. I can't seem to concentrate, so I sat mindlessly in front of my computer for a while. Computer games bring pleasure, but they don't bring happiness. I did a little shopping, because my roommate wanted a ride to WalMart. Buying stuff might distract the mind and is even pleasurable to some people. But it doesn't bring happiness. I tried stopping by Megan's place, but she wasn't home. Perhaps I'll go again. I need to ask her a couple things. Part of me knows that I don't really want to hear the answers, but I gotta know. So that definitely won't make me happy.
There's more to read. Read the extended entry.
|added Sat February 07 2004 at 8:32 PM
|Regrets are kinda funny. You make a decision that is, for whatever reason, the best decision at the time, and later you wish that you hadn't. Quite often, if put in the same situation, it's obvious that the same decision would be made again (even though it may cause more regrets).
I don't think I expected to regret it so much, though. Every time I think back on it, what hurts even more than not following through is knowing that I couldn't even if I tried again. And what hurts more still is that I regret not doing it. Five minutes in extreme pain, and it could've been done. Five minutes and I wouldn't have to deal with this day to day. Five minutes, and I couldn't do it.
As I sat there trying to get the courage (or cowardice) to do it, I realized that I really didn't want to die. The problem was that I also didn't want to live. How can somebody cope with those polar opposites? The natural man will do anything to stay alive, but the spirit will do anything to not. The realization of that moment was that I didn't want to die, I wanted to have not lived at all.
Aren't you supposed to look back on moments like that and feel lucky to be alive? Isn't the last-minute realization that you don't want to die supposed to make you love life? Why do I so often look back and wish that I'd done differently? I know that I don't have the strength or weakness to do it now. Why did I have to come so close and stare it straight in the face only to back down? Why do I have to live with these regrets?