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    Borderline Obsessive-Compulsive (2)  echo $newRAM;
    added Wed July 16 2003 at 11:17 PM
    Obsessive-Compulsive, but not in an obsessive way. I don't scream and run in terror when I see a spider. First, I very carefully kill it, scan the room to ensure that it has no friends and then cower in terror. No, seriously... I'm not the kind of obsessive-compulsive that you've seen in "As Good As It Gets." I don't enter a room and lock the door and unlock the door seven times. Once the light is on, it's good enough for me. I don't totally freak out about stepping on cracks. I certainly am not a neat freak.

    It's a bit more subtle than all that. My family refers to it as me being "quirky" because as a kid, it manifested itself by me screwing my face into strange contortions. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize I was doing it, but other times, I new I was and I couldn't help myself... I needed that slight pain stimulus that came with the various contortions. That's not really an accurate way to describe it, but it's the best way I can think of. As I've aged, I've gradually gained control on such obviously visible oddities, mostly out of self-defense.

    Once I pop one knuckle, I have to try to pop the other nine knuckles and all ten in as many ways as I ever pop my knuckles. It doesn't matter what the circumstances is, or even if I can pop them... I have to try. It can be in the middle of the prayer, and I'll accidentally squeeze my hand the wrong way, and one of my knuckles pops. I can usually make it between 15 and 30 seconds (if I have a lot of self control that day) before I have to complete the cycle. It's rather annoying, most of all to me.

    Now, more often than not, the obsessive-compulsive behaviour is manifested in addictions. Now, I suppose that addictions might not be the best word to use, because that implies drugs and alcohol and all kinds of bad stuff. The most common addiction is computers and computer games. I've had to remove the handy link to simple games like minesweeper from my computer, because I'd sit for hours playing the same game over and over again. I'd say to myself that if I lost this time, then I would quit, and I would get back to work (or, more often, go to sleep). And then as soon as I lost, I'd somehow click to start a new game. I'd have made three moves before I realized that I'd promised myself that I would quit after the previous round. The more complicated games would simply occupy my thoughts nonstop (Super Mario 3... don't laugh).

    Now, sometimes these obsessions can actually be somewhat constructive (rarely, but sometimes). When I'm working on a project, I can work for 5, 10, 15, even 20 hours straight without hardly stopping to do anything. This makes me a good worker, if I can get into the working mode. It is also the driving force behind my various web developments. I know that they aren't that impressive to most people, but the fact that I taught myself and worked and tweaked and changed it around until it ran is an accomplishment.

    So... I'm Borderline Obsessive-Compulsive. And I'd better change the subject, cause my poor knuckles can't handle me thinking about them that much.