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    rain and rollerblading  echo $newRAM;
    added Thu May 29 2003 at 12:40 AM
    I don't know what made me feel so blue today. After all, the news that I got a second job should've made me overjoyed. Especially since it pays a little bit better than the first one. Maybe I feel like even though I got another job, I'm not any closer to any of my personal goals. Part of me is also afraid that a second job will make it almost impossible to try to have a social life. On the other hand, I don't have much of a social life anyway. I don't really have any friends here in Flagstaff. Now, that's not completely true. There are two people in this city that I specifically count as friends (not just people I get along with). But I've only seen either one of them once each since I got back home. There's not really any good way for me to me to meet people here, either. The institute ward is mostly people much older than myself (or at least it was when I visited it last summer). Perhaps I'll check that out. But it's going to be difficult to become involved with the institute ward, even, since I will be working anywhere from 45 to 60 to maybe even 80 hours a week, potentially. The job at the gas station pays marginally better than Pizza Hut, but at Pizza Hut I have the potential of maybe getting a job as a server (which is what I *really* want to do right now). So I don't really want to short change either job. I guess that I'll just have to give it a try and see how I hold up over the next couple weeks.

    Whatever the cause for my minor depression, I set out to deliver phone books feeling less than enthused about life. Now, don't read between the lines here... I still am not feeling overly thrilled to be alive right now, but I at least am not thinking about how much better it would be to *not* be alive. Small but significant difference. At any rate, as luck would have it, the first rain that I've seen since coming back to AZ was while I was delivering phone books. I was going on rollerblades, because it's much faster than walking (unless I run into hills, which there were plenty of). So, as I fought with the gloom that hung over me, preventing a realistic contemplation of life, the rain started to fall. No, it didn't pour. I was hardly even dampened by the warm raindrops, although it did make the road a little bit slipperier for my rollerblades. But it did a wonderful job at attempting to match my mood. The funny thing, though, is that it actually made me feel a bit better. Don't ask why... I was supposed to be irritated with the rain because it hampers my movement on wheels. Probably just because the scorched earth needs the rain so badly, and everything around me was rejoicing so much I couldn't concentrate on my own gloom.

    And then the rollerblading helped out. Somehow, rollerblading has over time become an escape for me. Perhaps the knowledge that at a moment's notice, I could propel myself miles away from my life and the escape process takes enough energy to wear me out. Naturally, driving is a much faster way of escaping, but it doesn't provide any physical release, and requires much more conscious thought. I fear that if I were to drive away in one of those moods, I'd forget to make a turn and that could turn rather sour. Unfortunately, I discovered that my wheels are incredibly torn up, and so I had to buy new wheels. Tomorrow, however, I get to go at it again for a few hours. I don't particularly cherish the thought of delivering the rest of those stupid phonebooks, but the rollerblading just might make it worth the effort.

    And so I sit, trying to discover the cause or at least the source of the gloom. But for tonite, it would seem that all I can do is go to sleep. And pray for more rain.


    arachnophobia  echo $newRAM;
    added Thu May 29 2003 at 4:59 PM
    Some people will see a spider and immediately withdraw from the premises, hoping that someone else will notice and kill it. These people are often surprised when I let them know that I'm arachnophobic as well, because I coolly, calmly kill it right away, even tracking it down if need be. What they don't realize is that if I run across a spider on my own, I can only move fast until it's dead, and then I can't do anything at all for several minutes while I recover from the contact.

    I sit down and stare at the box that previously contained the black quarter-sized spider. A shiver runs down my spine and then back up it a few seconds later. Furtive eyes dart into every corner of the room, hoping to not see anything, but drawn into the deep recesses nonetheless, just to confirm there aren't any more creatures hiding. I stand up and check the chair and the couple of feet surrounding, then sit down and fold my arms tightly to my chest. Breathe in, breathe out, try to remind myself that it's dead now. But the fact that it lived in my realm to begin with opens the possibility of a second monster being nearby. Shudder, glance around the room again (paying special attention to the corners or the ceiling: that's their favorite spot), and force my arms to come down into a natural resting position.

    Another spider is dead, but it's companions will ever be returning.