[544]=>Good morning
 [543]=>You know the fee...
 [542]=>Date more, care ...
 [541]=>Moving On



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 [RAndoMness]=> 28Sep09
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Cleaning out the contacts
added Tue October 18 2005 at 7:20 PM
Not the kind in your eyes-- I don't wear those. I'm referring to the contacts list on my phone. Last night I was scrolling through my contact list and realized that there were several people in there that didn't even have that phone number anymore. It's understandable, people move on and you don't call them for a while and before you know it you get a message saying that the number is out of service.

Then this evening I was brought to the painful realization that I needed to clean out my quick calls list. You know, the numbers you call so often you might as well be able to dial them just by pushing one button. Well, except I'm not even sure why I have a cell phone because goodness knows I don't call people very often, and I get even less calls in. The main time I use my cell phone is when I'm driving with a caravan of other cars and we're trying to coordinate when we'll stop next.

I used to call Steve every morning to figure out when I needed to pick him up, because we carpooled. He moved a few miles away and drives in to work with his wife now. I don't know why I had Eric's number on quick dial, since I rarely called him when he was my roommate and never call him now that he's moved back to Utah. The most painful one, however, was removing Coreen from the list. I figured it was the smartest thing to do, since she pretty much told me to not call her again.

For a minute I tried to think of some kind of a hurtful reply. Not because I hated her for it, but mostly because I hated myself. I'm rarely very subtle about my feelings and found no reason to hide that I was interested in her, so I guess it really was my own fault. I probably should've made it a rule to not call her and instead wait for her to call me, but too late for that. But also because one of the few things that's been keeping me floating above the pathetic social/love life here in Connecticut has been the hope that things would go back to comfortable acceptance with her back in Utah. We never dated, but at least there was a dependable companionship that constituted what I really need and want from a relationship.

A part of me is tempted to call the last person I still ever communicate with from Utah and cry on her shoulder, metaphorically speaking. Of course probably the last thing I need right now is another reminder of how I hold onto friendships with the hope that they might turn into something more, but they never do. At least Rachel can laugh at my interest in her so it doesn't scare her as much.

Another part of me asks if I even have a reason to care about going back to BYU. I struggled so hard, clinging to the two girls in Utah that I didn't have anywhere else. Now, I suppose I must cling to the fact I'm closer to graduating from there than if I transferred to another school. That and I'll still have a pathetic social life at any other university. The only difference elsewhere is that everybody would get drunk enough every Friday and Saturday night that they don't care about it. And I don't drink, so that wouldn't help me much.

I still remember... it was about a year ago when she asked what my intention where for her sister... I replied to go out and have a good time and try to forget for a few hours what a horrible life I have. How long before I find someone else to help me forget?

To sleep... to forget...

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