print_r($recent);

Array
(
 [545]=>Collections
 [544]=>Good morning
 [543]=>You know the fee...
 [542]=>Date more, care ...
 [541]=>Moving On
)

 

RAMCal(date('my'));

November 2019
sun mon tue wed thu fri sat
          1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
             
archives(RAM);


print_r($newStuff);

Array
(
 [RAndoMness]=> 28Sep09
 [JPsDocs] => 22Feb09
 [JPics] => 10Dec11
 [frontpage]
 [FeedBack]
)

recent music
Boycott SONY

print_r($background);
Array
(
 [today]=>
 [past]=>backgrounds
)


  getentry(340); getentry(342);
printentry(341);

   
Today's breakdown
added Mon October 25 2004 at 10:43 PM
2 comments
It's been developing all weekend, but today I just snapped. I couldn't make myself do anything on Saturday or Sunday, and today the steam built up to a full head and turned on me, leaving panic and chaos in its wake. Over the weekend, I failed to perform, but today, I locked up.

Locking up is one of the worst feelings I've ever known. You can ask me later, when this particular episode is long forgotten, and I promise I'll still agree that it rates high on my list of undesirables. Normally, even when I feel lost and confused and overwhelmed, I can at least take baby steps toward getting *something* accomplished. Episodes like today's, however, leave me simply begging for release.

Now, I don't say that meaning that I would in any way hurt myself... I was still a fair ways from that (albeit on that path). Today I only had a single 15 second thought of doing anything to myself. Instead, the thoughts mostly consisted of prayers for release.

One thing I've found is that no matter how much you pray for it, God does not kill you. He just doesn't. I'm sure that everybody reading this is extremely happy this is the case, and probably rather worried that I would know from personal experience.

It was a long (although very unproductive) day, and I fear that the best that I can hope for from tomorrow is that maybe despite all the stresses weighing down on me, I won't resort to hoping for release of death. Somehow, I don't see myself overnight being able to run with all the burdens effortlessly, but perhaps if I manage to take a step forward tomorrow then my burdens will be forgotten, and I'll be able to trudge through each day until the end of the semester. Rationally speaking, I can always retake all my classes, right? Maybe.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

 



mom says:
Congratulations for surviving the day...and my thanks to the powers that be that left you here to survive. Just remember, one day at a time...breathe in...breathe out. It has been a long time since the last episode, which in some ways makes this one harder for you. But you made it thru. And if it was including prayers for relief with the end...well, at least prayer entered the picture. That means you left the channel open for the Lord to do his work. Like having a sister pop up online when mom wasn't home...mom checking email even tho' it was well past naptime...having a friend available to go have ice cream...having the rotten day on Monday so FHE supplied a reliable source of mandatory group activity.

One day at a time...remember that you are a much loved and beloved person. And please, stop praying for extermination...it is counterproductive with mom praying for your health and well being.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM



big sis says:
my baby brother..... I know it can be hard some days, I won't make light of the physical force with which it crushes you some days.... but time eases that up slowly until you are free from the ties that bind you down and you can make those baby steps again.

hang in there.... your prayers for release will be answered, just not quite how you are intending them at the moment, try and relax and ride the flow instead of letting it drown and oppress you, no one cares how good of a student you are, or what time the work is done by if at all in the long run, breath deep and follow the flow!

remember your sister loves you too!


posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM

 

 
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