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Do I have to be?
added Sun October 24 2004 at 9:20 PM
Me: Do I have to be?
Me: I spose so, eh?
Her: ?
Me: Never mind, I'm just rambling.

And for the most part, I was. But the rambling words via the instant messenger were inextricably tied to the rambling thoughts in my head.

The reason why I am is because I haven't figured out a way to not be. There are some things that I've found that, for a time, manage to accomplish this, but they all have one thing in common. Whether it be sleep, or Freecell, or anything else, the cover from reality is temporary. With anything, once it stops, I continue being.

I talk in vague generalities, because that's all that's been made concrete in my mind so far. At various times, with various people, I've managed to become (temporarily) more specific, but all these specifics can be summed up as the general concept of "being."

Career/school choice. I don't *know* anymore what I want to do. All I have is what I know I wanted to do. I think that part of this problem stems from the fact that I'm not as good of a student as I used to be. I used to always understand things. The rare instance that I didn't understand something were far and few between, which made them memorable and frustrating. Now, I float through my studies almost catching on, but rarely fully understanding.

I don't have the option to stop, because that would leave me nowhere and the nothingness would consume me. Besides, what does one do when one quits? I'm not saying that I want to drop out and flip hamburgers for a living... simply that I want to stop... being.

I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, though. I slip further and further behind in what I should be doing. I don't know what the question is to ask for help. And I feel like I have the weight of my entire future resting on my shoulders at all times... if I fail now, then I fail for life. If I manage to squeeze by this time as I have in the past few semesters, then I still have to keep from failing the next time. Can I procrastinate my failure indefinitely? Or should can I just quit now and get it over with?

"the aim of waking is to dream"

coreen says:
Glad you liked the poem. I think it will forever and ever be my favorite.
Just so you know, I have been in therapy for depression, I am currently on anti-depressants... and although that doesn't automatically qualify me to be any help beyond a listening ear, I'll try.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM

mom says:
I like the poem...but more for the hope that the beginning gives to me. I see it more that even when you forget who or what you have within the inate ability as a child of God to become who you really are.

Please remember, the only way you can fail at Life is to quit Being...being a wonderful son; being a caring/loving person; being an attentive and intuative friend; being a young man willing to persevere until he solves the puzzles in Life. You are in the middle of the maze...Just keep putting one foot in front of the other calling upon the guidance that comes with the intuition of the Holy Ghost. You are not lost or losing. All you need to do is remember to breath in and breath day at a time. You are not lost because while you may not feel like you know where you are or why you are, there are others always with you who are aware of you and your location.

Don't give up on life or on yourself. Remember you are a much loved and beloved son. Please, continue to Be.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM

Jo-Pete Nelson says:
I'm still not sure I totally get the poem... Maybe after a few more readings, it will really sink in what it's all about.

Maybe sometime we'll have to get together and trade stories about therapists.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM


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