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2000 miles
added Sun July 04 2004 at 8:43 PM
[JP's noteI am posting this in its entirety, uneditted, untouched, just the way I wrote it two days ago. I don't even know how much is coherent, but I figured that the incoherencies would help to show my state of mind at the time.]

I set out on a 2000 mile road trip because it felt like for the first time in I don't even want to think about how long, somebody other than my family gave a d**n and wanted to see me. I guess that I let my dreams get ahead of the reality of who I am, and what people actually think of me, because in whatever case, it doesn't seem to be true.

My rational side wats to say that I'm overreacting, and that I'm imagining things, but I feel so neglected, so not cared about, and just as alone as I ever felt at home. Why drive 2000 nukes (of which at time of actual writing, I've only driven 1000) to feel like the same social mistake that I already felt like at home?

Just a little bit of background to go with my irrational tirade. As I was preparing for this trip to Canada, I knew that I needed to get somebody to come with me, not only to help pay for gas, but also because I knew that 1000 miles, with plenty of time in the dark, would not work for me on my own.I actually did better driving than what I anticipated, but when push omes to shove (which in my experience it usually does), I probably couldn't have made that trip on my own. So, Carolyn and I onvinced Angel, Jeremy's friend, to come up with me. Carolyn claimed to rather dislike Angel, but we both knew that I needed *somebody*.

Further background, as to what I was hoping to get out of this trip. As you may have noticed, despite my wonderful job (I can't *wait* to get back to work on Tuesday), my social life (or lack thereof) is still rather depressing. I did have a girl tell me recently that she liked me, but with such a huge "but," that it's rather irrelevant. In fact, I'd rather just assume that she just didn't care one way or the other about me rather than having been weighed, measured, and found altogether lacking simply because I'm not the person who this BYU culture wants me to be. Not only was I going to be visiting with Carolyn, but she was going to introduce me to as many of her friends as possible. I'd also been talking a lot (online) with one of her friends and Lynsey seemed pretty excited to get to meet me at last. Obvioiusly, I'm no fool. I knew that I wasn't going to be coming up to Canada and getting myself a girlfriend, but I'd definitely hoped that I'd be able to distract myself from how much I *want* a girlfriend by just having cute girls to cuddle with, or at least *talk* with.

I did finally get to meet Lynsey on Friday. And she's every bit as cute as what her pictures looked (even cuter?). I won't pretend that she's actually my type. Talking with her, I know that a relationship wouldn't ever work between us, for a lot of the same reasons that I find myself attracted to her. It's too hard for me to put words on it, so I won't bother right now. The point is, that even though I know that a relationship wouldn't work out, I was still hoping to at least have my equivaalent of a weekend fling (ends with cuddling on the couch watching a movie). Something happened that she didn't go to the club with us last night (supposedly Carolyn couldn't get ahold of her, but I don't know how hard she tried), and today she's been working all day. I tried several times to go pick up a rose to bring in to her work today (girls like flowers, I'm told), but for some reason it seems that every attempt on my part is met with full opposition from Carolyn. Pretty much, I'm being told that I won't even get to say good bye to this gorgeous girl that I've been wanting to meet for almost a year now. Who cares if things wouldn't work out between us for a long term, and who cares if I didn't even get to hold her in my arms. I at least wanted a chance to say farewell and let her know that she's every bit as wonderful as I thought she was before I met her. It doesn't seem that will be happening, though.

Angel wanted to go shopping today to pick up gifts for his wife and child. I needed to go shopping for a bit as well, so no objetion. I also wanted a chance to take photos of the town. I get 60 pictures and what seemed to be an overall cold shoulder from Carolyn. I started out lagging behind the other two because I was constantly stopping to take a picture, but as time wore on, I stopped feeling photophoric and I still ended up lagging behind because I felt not necessarily rejected, but uncared about. We went into tons of clothing shops, ofwhich I've no interest, so my first idea was to just follow Carolyn through the store and hover in the background. She *insisted* that I browse the store on my own, however, and over the course of the afternoon I was forced to wander through one boring store after another while Angel and Carolynshopped together. I don't ever complain about going into undesirable stores *with* someone, but throughout the day my loneliness built and built. I followed further behind and by the time that we made it to the mall, I even went into other stores without them eer noticing I was gone.

On top of it all, it seems that Carolyn is determined to correct my every move (when she notices me at any rate). At one point she remarked that my jokes were too sexual (I'll admit that after hanging out with Jeremy and Angel for a while that they may have been, but it still asn't nearly as bad as what she was gladly putting up with from her boyfriend and his friend). Even worse, while we were at the club last night, I ignored a couple girls that wanted to dance with me because I didn't find them attractive. I did end up dancing for a few minutes with a totally gorgeous girl, but afterword, Carolyn was all over me for turning the others down. On explaining that I didn't find them attractive, she replied "it's just dancing Jo-Pete," whih is all well enough except it never has been nor probably ever will be "just dancing." I've always been the type that can only dance when I feel in the mood and when I find the girl atttractive. I open myself to all kinds of vulnerabilities when I dance, and I don't see any point in allowing myself to be emotionally trashed by a girl that I don't even find physically attractive. Her comment was that it's no wonder that I hae such a hard time getting a girl if I won't even dance with others, but I don't think she even considered how attached I can get while dancing. Nor did she consider that unlike her who can probably get a new guy on any given weekend, I'm not good at piking up girls.

I suppose I don't necessarily feel any more abused than what I normally do, nor any more rejected or any more anything than normal. The reason why I feel so damaged by this is that I, after all, set out on a 2000 mile road trip with the hope that it would be *better8, not just status quo. I don't need to drive 2000 miles to feel like a loser. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Because sleeping has always beenm easier than waking.

mom says:
Sorry that your trip seemed a waste. I hope the chance to see some new scenery helped offset the emotional upheavel. Hopefully you can recoop the financial and emotional havoc that it has played on you.
posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM

big sis says:
hang in there and concentrate on any and all good moments.... somewhat her comments are just girls being girls, don't take it too seriously becuase girls & biys will always have oposite opinions on a lot of things!

hang in there!

posted Sat September 23 2006 at 1:58 PM


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