[544]=>Good morning
 [543]=>You know the fee...
 [542]=>Date more, care ...
 [541]=>Moving On



July 2004
sun mon tue wed thu fri sat
        1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31


 [RAndoMness]=> 28Sep09
 [JPsDocs] => 22Feb09
 [JPics] => 10Dec11

recent music
Boycott SONY


getentries(07Dec03);   getentries(07Dec03);


2000 miles
added Sun July 04 2004 at 8:43 PM
[JP's noteI am posting this in its entirety, uneditted, untouched, just the way I wrote it two days ago. I don't even know how much is coherent, but I figured that the incoherencies would help to show my state of mind at the time.]

I set out on a 2000 mile road trip because it felt like for the first time in I don't even want to think about how long, somebody other than my family gave a d**n and wanted to see me. I guess that I let my dreams get ahead of the reality of who I am, and what people actually think of me, because in whatever case, it doesn't seem to be true.

My rational side wats to say that I'm overreacting, and that I'm imagining things, but I feel so neglected, so not cared about, and just as alone as I ever felt at home. Why drive 2000 nukes (of which at time of actual writing, I've only driven 1000) to feel like the same social mistake that I already felt like at home?

Just a little bit of background to go with my irrational tirade. As I was preparing for this trip to Canada, I knew that I needed to get somebody to come with me, not only to help pay for gas, but also because I knew that 1000 miles, with plenty of time in the dark, would not work for me on my own.I actually did better driving than what I anticipated, but when push omes to shove (which in my experience it usually does), I probably couldn't have made that trip on my own. So, Carolyn and I onvinced Angel, Jeremy's friend, to come up with me. Carolyn claimed to rather dislike Angel, but we both knew that I needed *somebody*.

Further background, as to what I was hoping to get out of this trip. As you may have noticed, despite my wonderful job (I can't *wait* to get back to work on Tuesday), my social life (or lack thereof) is still rather depressing. I did have a girl tell me recently that she liked me, but with such a huge "but," that it's rather irrelevant. In fact, I'd rather just assume that she just didn't care one way or the other about me rather than having been weighed, measured, and found altogether lacking simply because I'm not the person who this BYU culture wants me to be. Not only was I going to be visiting with Carolyn, but she was going to introduce me to as many of her friends as possible. I'd also been talking a lot (online) with one of her friends and Lynsey seemed pretty excited to get to meet me at last. Obvioiusly, I'm no fool. I knew that I wasn't going to be coming up to Canada and getting myself a girlfriend, but I'd definitely hoped that I'd be able to distract myself from how much I *want* a girlfriend by just having cute girls to cuddle with, or at least *talk* with.

I did finally get to meet Lynsey on Friday. And she's every bit as cute as what her pictures looked (even cuter?). I won't pretend that she's actually my type. Talking with her, I know that a relationship wouldn't ever work between us, for a lot of the same reasons that I find myself attracted to her. It's too hard for me to put words on it, so I won't bother right now. The point is, that even though I know that a relationship wouldn't work out, I was still hoping to at least have my equivaalent of a weekend fling (ends with cuddling on the couch watching a movie). Something happened that she didn't go to the club with us last night (supposedly Carolyn couldn't get ahold of her, but I don't know how hard she tried), and today she's been working all day. I tried several times to go pick up a rose to bring in to her work today (girls like flowers, I'm told), but for some reason it seems that every attempt on my part is met with full opposition from Carolyn. Pretty much, I'm being told that I won't even get to say good bye to this gorgeous girl that I've been wanting to meet for almost a year now. Who cares if things wouldn't work out between us for a long term, and who cares if I didn't even get to hold her in my arms. I at least wanted a chance to say farewell and let her know that she's every bit as wonderful as I thought she was before I met her. It doesn't seem that will be happening, though.

There's more to read. Read the extended entry.