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May 2003
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a proper good-bye
added Sat May 10 2003 at 7:42 PM
I never got a chance to give her a proper good-bye. On the other hand, I'm not sure that such a thing exists: a proper good-bye? I suppose I could possibly attribute the lack of a real farewell to the awkwardness associated with being under the scrutiny of her family, but I'm not sure if I would've fared any better had they not been there, or if circumstances had been different. At any rate, I probably should've done something.

I don't remember when we first met. She was my friend's roommate. Probably the first time that I saw her was her wandering in and out of her kitchen. It would've been early in the year, and I doubt that she and my friend had really grown very close by that time. So she would've simply been my friend's roommate.

On the other hand, I've never been one to discount someone simply because they are a friend of a friend. That's often how you meet the best people, and make the best acquaintances. I do remember the first time that I first found myself interested in her. Methinks that it was about the same time that she first found herself interested in me. Perhaps her interest was what initially sparked mine. At any rate, it didn't go very far very fast. Over the course of the next couple months, it became apparent to each other that we were both interested. I had thought that once this detail was figured out, that there wouldn't be any complications. Boy was I wrong.

As the next few months ran on, time hardly paused for a breath, and I held my breath as our relationship endured one roller-coaster after the other. First she then I broke it off and pulled it back together on a few seperate occasions. In the end, though, I would not classify us as star-crossed lovers or any such thing. "Us" was simply an extention of "Her" and "Me." It worked best when neither one of us was really worried about what came next, and we just enjoyed each other's company. Perhaps this was one of the reasons why a proper good-bye failed to escape my lips. Because the moment that we worried about tomorrow was the same moment that today fell apart.

The last night we spent together, we hiked a nearby mountain, endearingly termed "Y Mountain" by all who are familiar with it. We left late and sat alone together for about an hour. We talked some, but mostly the conversation led to her current concerns and fears. It seemed that neither of us wanted to face the next day's parting. I certainly didn't want to think about it. But in reality, any meaningful good-bye's took place there.

The next morning, I helped her pack her stuff into the van that would take her away. At this time, I was under the constant scrutiny of a family who didn't approve of our relationship. A simple and brief hug good-bye and I hurried away. I didn't stay to watch the van pull away. I already sensed that her mother didn't care for me much, so there was no sense in aggrivating that. It was best to allow her to deal with her mother at her own pace.

So, if there ever will be a way to give a proper good-bye, I attempt now. I do not have any reason to believe that I will see her again, certainly not for a long time. I hope that my presence in her life for those fleeting months in one school year will have an impact, but that presence is all buy gone. In the end, I must say good-bye. A proper good-bye, to us, to her.

To sleep, perchance to dream: sweet dreams of me and you (together). Now such togetherness is but a dream.